Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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