Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
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I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
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Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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