I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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