can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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