I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
