You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
