peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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