they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
