with your own penis?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
