dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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