She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
