She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
