I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
