I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
