You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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