Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
