I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
