yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
