so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
