Where did you get a picture of my penis
Porn is love you can see.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
