There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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