just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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