i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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