So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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