??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
