Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
