just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
