Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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