I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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