I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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