then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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