he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
