I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
