Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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