know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
