Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
