I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
