Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
