If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
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it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
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And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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