my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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