I will die if light touches me.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
