Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I need to calm my uterus...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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