i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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