My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
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