I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
