omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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