The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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