There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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