She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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