when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
