I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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