I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I need water and some morals
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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